


Sometimes Rare Aliens Can Show You An Interesting Time, Baby

by JayTDawgzone9999



Category: Space ☆ Dandy, ジョジョの奇妙な冒険 | JoJo no Kimyou na Bouken | JoJo's Bizarre Adventure
Genre: Alien Flora & Fauna, Alien Planet, Aliens, Amnesia, Belligerent Sexual Tension, Crossover, F/M, Memory Loss, Outer Space, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-01
Updated: 2020-03-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:22:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22965361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JayTDawgzone9999/pseuds/JayTDawgzone9999
Summary: Alien hunter Lisa Lisa sets out to snag a rare alien with a massive bounty to get her hands on a sum of money that will keep her family set for life but finds that the alien has a whole lot more to offer her than financial security.
Relationships: Elizabeth Joestar | Lisa Lisa/Kaaz | Cars, Erina Pendleton Joestar/Robert Edward O. Speedwagon
Kudos: 21





	Sometimes Rare Aliens Can Show You An Interesting Time, Baby

**Author's Note:**

> I've had this AU rolling around in my head for a while and this is the result. I put most of my Kars/Lisa Lisa one shots in a single fic, but I decided to keep this one separate because it's a crossover so it won't mess up the tagging system I have for that collection of fics.

If anything described the lines at the alien registration center, long, noisy, and slow were more accurate than anything else. Lisa Lisa sighed, taking a puff of her cigarette after dropping off a ziltonian-which net her 50,000 woo-longs. Not a bad reward for a single person, but Lisa Lisa had Speedwagon and Erina, who were caring for baby Joseph, to think about. 

Shortly after Lisa Lisa married George and they had Joseph, George, a skilled alien hunter she met while on a mission of her own, was killed in action. Lisa Lisa killed the man who murdered her husband in a fit of rage, which got her sent to prison, where she was freed several months later on a technicality. Unable to raise her son, Lisa Lisa had left him in the capable hands of Speedwagon and Erina, who had lived together since the untimely death of Erina's husband and Joseph's grandfather, Jonathan. To help support her son and the elderly couple raising him, Lisa Lisa sent them most of the money she made, keeping little more than what she needed for necessities (and a few smokes to take the edge off.) 

Sitting in a cafe she stopped by after leaving the alien registration center, Lisa Lisa noticed a strange piece of paper crumpled up near her feet. What she read after picking it up was more interesting than anything else she had seen that day by far. 

"One of a kind, never before seen alien spotted on Planet __________." Lisa Lisa read to herself as she looked at the paper. On it was a picture of a vaguely humanoid grey shape , as well as the reward for capturing the rare alien, who was simply referred to as the stone man. "1,000,000,000,000 woo-longs. If such a creature exists, no doubt many others have tried to capture it and failed." she told herself, rubbing the strange paper between her fingers for a moment. The paper didn't appear to be very old-there was even a fresh ink smell to it-and the color and texture of the paper felt so unusual that Lisa Lisa felt certain the alien it described was much more than a rumor or a scam designed to lure alien hunters away from more profitable bounties. 

Lisa Lisa's coffee had grown cold by the time she finished pondering the implications of a single, solitary creature, the only one of its kind, residing on a strange faraway planet all by himself, and of the likely fates of those who had already tried to capture him to get their hands on the exorbitant amount of reward money. Had she only herself to think about, Lisa Lisa might have given it a little more thought-or, at least, that's what she convinced herself was true, but with Speedwagon, Erina, and Joseph to think about, no trouble was too much to go through to give them the money they needed, as Speedwagon and Erina were too old and frail to work and Joseph was still barely more than an infant. 

Half a cup of cold coffee and a trip to a convenience store for a case of water bottles and a pack of cigarettes later, Lisa Lisa found herself sitting all alone inside her spaceship, still clutching the paper in her hand as she stared at the control panel. The reward for capturing the stone man was her best chance to provide for Speedwagon, Erina, and Joseph, and she couldn't afford to let an opportunity like this go to waste. Sighing to herself, Lisa Lisa crumpled up the paper in her hand, letting it fall to the floor when she released the tension in her hand. 

"Well, here goes nothing." 

After carefully studying the map she pulled up on the control panel, she took a deep breath, punched in the coordinates, and waited for the engine to rev up.

_______

On the way down through the planet's atmosphere, Lisa Lisa noticed the clouds were thick and dense, yet when she landed on the ground, it was only partly cloudy, allowing for a decent amount of sunlight to shine through. The journey there had been quiet-too quiet, she thought. Her suspicions already raised from her suspiciously smooth journey there, Lisa Lisa's gut instinct told her something was up as soon as she disembarked from her spaceship, finding that there was no sound aside from that of a babbling creek and a few animals-mostly birds and insects, chirping and buzzing in the distance. The trees, massive, tangled things with thick trunks and unusually shaped leaves and flowers, grew in no orderly fashion, and there were no signs of civilization, human or otherwise, anywhere within eyesight. 

A striped lizard dashed by Lisa Lisa's feet as she set foot on the thick, lush grass, her footsteps making almost no sound as she did so. Upon further exploration, she saw, among other things, bright, vibrant flowers in a range of hues she had never seen before, a long, speckled snake slithering up one of the massive trunks of a huge, gnarled tree that looked to be hundreds, if not thousands, of years old, a flying reptile landing on a branch after capturing a winged insect with its long, forked tongue, and a vast, open ditch that seemed to have no bottom. 

What she didn't see, however, was more notable-namely, buildings, infrastructure, or even signs of any past visitors. If humans had ever set foot here, no doubt the stone man himself (if he even existed) did them in if the environment or its wildlife hadn't done so. The air smelled of nothing but plant life and rain, the soil was nothing if not dense and fertile, all manner of plants sprouting up anywhere and everywhere, and the sheer diversity of animal species was something beyond her imagination. Hours passed with no sign of any other sentient beings besides herself around, and Lisa Lisa began to despair that maybe the stone man had already been captured or else didn't even exist at all. 

Knowing that roaming around a strange planet after dark was unwise, Lisa Lisa made up her mind to head back to her ship until she saw a strange relic-a mask with fangs like that of a vampire-on the ground. Its eyes were narrow and there was a strange hole in its head, as if whoever designed it meant to place some stone or jewel in there. Everything about it made Lisa Lisa feel uneasy, and she knew better than to touch it. After taking a picture of the bizarre object, Lisa Lisa turned around, prepared to head back the way she came, until an odd shadow caught her eye, startling her. 

The sound-it was unmistakable-the sound of breathing-a person breathing-Lisa Lisa told herself, assuming a defensive stance as she looked around, prepared for anything and everything, because frankly, there was no other choice. 

"I suppose you're the one who lives here." Lisa Lisa said, looking around when she saw the shadow move again. 

"You're very perceptive for a human." 

When Lisa Lisa made eye contact with the strange, intimidating man in front of her, she knew without a doubt that he must be the stone man the strange paper mentioned. Though the shape on the paper was gray and featureless, the silhouette matched him perfectly. 

"Is that so?" she replied, her hand on her blaster gun. "I guess it's safe to assume the rest of the humans who ended up here met a horrible fate." 

Despite the way her heart was racing and the tension she was developing in her neck and shoulders, Lisa Lisa knew better than to show fear around this man-whoever-or whatever-he was, she could tell with just a glance that he was beyond powerful, likely able to kill human and non-human foes alike with ease. 

"The hunters-I killed them all." Kars replied without a care in the world. "I have no patience for the human race-time and time again they come here and annoy me and every time I squash them like the vermin they are. Yet they never cease to disturb me, always greedy for something they think I can give them. They have the rest of the universe to call their own, I have no interest in giving them this as well." 

Lisa Lisa swallowed, exhaling the breath she had been holding a few seconds too long as softly as she could manage. Capturing him would be no easy task-something she had expected and acknowledged, and regardless of the validity of his complaints, Speedwagon, Erina, and Joseph were her family-her only family left in the world, and she would never dream of throwing away a chance to ensure their security and well-being, something which the 1 billion woo-long reward for capturing the stone man would undoubtedly ensure such a prospect of becoming reality for them. 

"And what is it they think they can get from you?" Lisa Lisa asked, keeping her emotions hidden behind her face. 

"Oh, the usual. Money, fame, power. All the typical things." Kars replied in a carefree voice that hid his true feelings, much like a predator lying camouflaged behind a thicket of flowers while it stalked its prey. "Which one do you want?" He gave her a look that made her uneasy, his red eyes glittering like jewels being held up to a flame. "I can smell the human on you-humans always come here for one of those things, so which one did you come here for?" 

Loosening her grip on her gun for a moment before tightening it again, Lisa Lisa shifted her weight a little, letting herself breathe a moment before answering. "Do you want the short answer or the long answer?" 

Kars arched an eyebrow in curiosity-this one was rather interesting, he decided, even if she was a lowly human. "Since you amuse me, I'll let you give me the long answer." 

Lisa Lisa huffed. "If you insist. Since you wanted to know, what I came here for and what I want are two different things. I came here for money, but not for myself-the money would ensure my family could survive comfortably without me in case something happens to me. None of them are able to work, so it falls to me to take care of them. In the event that I go on a mission one day and don't return, they won't have much time before they starve to death. So that's why, I'm afraid I have to ask you to accompany me to the alien registration center and get registered. Of course, I know you won't agree, but for my family's sake, I have to ask you so I can say that I tried."

The chances of the stone man feeling sympathy for her were slim if the cruel look in his eyes and his indifferent loathing towards humanity was anything to go by, and Lisa Lisa was prepared for the worst. She could try shooting him with her blaster gun, she considered, but some deep, half forgotten hunter's instinct inside her, long dormant from years of being conservative and sticking with easier prey so she wouldn't risk dying on the job, told her a weapon like that would prove useless and she would have to fall back on her natural abilities to have a chance at subduing prey like him. 

Kars, who did not appear to be moved by her story in the slightest if the look he gave her meant anything, smirked, flashing a mouthful of fangs. He was old, much older than any of the hunters who had tried to capture him were, and he had heard almost everything before. Though the years quelled his violent temper somewhat, his disdain for humanity hadn't waned at all. "Not every human who's tried to capture me had selfish motives, but most of them were enslaved by someone who did and were too cowardly to disobey their orders. But allowing myself to be captured is too risky. I refuse." 

"I thought as much. But I had to try for my family's sake. Now that I've heard your answer for myself though, it's best that I move on." 

Failing to capture a bounty was one thing, but dying in the attempt was quite another-without her, her family would die a miserable death, and Lisa Lisa refused to let that happen. Before Lisa Lisa could leave, however, Kars called out to her, his voice revealing a twinge of amusement. 

"Really? That's a new one-none of them have ever said that with a serious face, but I guess you really mean it." he paused a moment before continuing to enjoy the incredulous look on her face. "But that would be no fun, would it? You can't hide it from me, I can smell it on you. You're a descendant of the hamon tribe. One of their kind managed to defeat me in battle a long time ago after slaying my kin and I barely escaped with my life. Though I don't remember how, I woke up on this planet after breaking out of a stone shell. Since then, there hasn't been much to do besides killing and eating the hunters who showed up to bother me. But now that I've finally found another way to pass the time, why don't we battle? If I win, you'll never try to capture me again,and if you win, I'll give you a chance to convince me why I should let you register me." 

Lisa Lisa turned to look at him, frustrated yet interested in equal measure. There was no deception in his voice, and his eyes seemed to match the look on his face. As long as he held to his promise not to kill her, no real harm would come of this, she told herself. If worst came to worst, well, there was always that one emergency button she could press. 

"Very well then. If a fight's what you want, then that's what you'll get." 

"Good, I'm glad to hear it." 

In another situation, Lisa Lisa might have used a weapon, but the only thing she used this time was her scarf. Though it was not ineffective and proved useful in allowing her to keep up with him for quite a while, eventually it got tangled in a tree, forcing Lisa Lisa to fight barehanded, using nothing but her jabs, punches, and kicks to attack. He seemed thoroughly amused when she noticed sweat forming on his brow, noting to himself that it was nothing if not interesting that this was the first time he had met someone who was able to make him break a sweat since the one warrior who managed to defeat him all that time ago. Of all the hamon warriors he had fought, he liked this one the best-she was stronger than the rest and far more beautiful too. It would be a shame, he thought, if he never got to see her again. Before, with the rest of his race to worry about, hamon warriors were his greatest enemies, but now, trapped on a strange planet with no company for so long he almost forgot about his life before, meeting one that was so entertaining was a welcome surprise. 

"That was close, you almost got me there-" he taunted her, not entirely cruelly when she almost grabbed a chunk of his hair. When his headband fell off a few seconds later, falling to the ground, he simply chuckled, swiping at her with a grin on his face. 

Lisa Lisa realized her mistake too late when, after landing a good kick on him, she fell on top of him, both of them crashing to the ground. The smirk on his face, coupled with the way he squeezed her leg, sent a chill up her spine, and not just the uncomfortable kind. 

"What, are you scared? I told you I wasn't planning on killing you. You're far too interesting for that, after all." he teased when she leapt off him, striking his face, which left a scar, but wasn't enough to knock him down. He took the opportunity to trip her up, pinning her to the ground, but not before she was able to yank her scarf out of the nearby tree, clutching it in her hand while he had her pinned under him. 

He raised his eyebrows upon seeing the scarf, pausing just long enough for Lisa Lisa to break free, landing a kick on his ribs that knocked him over, leaving him breathless until after she had tied his arms behind his head against a tree. 

"Seems like you've claimed victory this time." he remarked in a cocky, self-assured tone. "I must say I didn't see it coming. But now the real question lies before us." 

Lisa Lisa was never one to be easily distracted by men, but the look he was giving her was a lot to handle. To deny the slight tension deep in her core that resulted was pointless, she admitted to herself, for better or for worse. 

"How will you convince me to let you take me on a little journey to get registered then?" 

If the way he looked at her before was bad, the small chuckle he gave after was even worse. Among other things, he seemed to enjoy the view of her legs that he got when she crouched over him, her face turning pink when she realized what he was thinking about. 

"I suppose sympathy has no effect on you. I could always try logic, but somehow I have a feeling that would be more frustrating than it's worth, she replied while untying him. "I'm sure I'm not the first person to tell you that it's just a short trip that wouldn't take much time at all."

"Not even close." Being the opportunistic bastard that he was, he opted to pull her down on his lap, all the better to enjoy the flustered look on her face. "I suggest you find a way to make it appealing to me-perhaps offer something in return for it. That would be fair, after all." 

"And what makes you think your idea of what's fair is actually fair?" she replied, knowing full well by the way he had been looking at her that it was something crude and not entirely sensible. "There has to be an equal benefit for both parties for it to be fair, after all." 

"If you let me show you, I'm sure you'll come to agree with me. I haven't lived as long as I have without knowing how to find ways to please other people, after all." he dipped his hand under her skirt, enjoying the feeling of her soft skin under his rough hands. "I know exactly how to make it worth your while long before you get your reward money for capturing me." 

This was a bad idea if there ever was one, Lisa Lisa told herself, at least from a logical perspective. But, then, logic wouldn't convince him, so if this was what it took, then why not give it a shot, she told herself as she freed herself from his grip. "Prove it, then." 

The smug grin he gave her was almost too much to bear, but she resolved to persevere. "You'll follow me to my spaceship first." she told him, watching when he got up. 

"If you insist." 

How did he get so close, she asked herself when she found him standing besides her in the blink of an eye. 

"You can call me Kars, by the way." he told her. 

"An interesting name." she replied. "I'm Lisa Lisa." 

__________

After arriving at her spaceship, Kars wasted no time holding the smaller human woman in his grasp, giving her a harsh kiss on the mouth, which she returned in equal strength. Their teeth clacked together for a moment, but otherwise there was no discomfort, their lips meeting in the blink of an eye and staying like that for a while with few breaks for oxygen. Neither of them being interested in wasting time, they both found a couch to lie on, stripping each other's clothes off in a matter of seconds (it helped that Kars wore almost nothing, of course,) Kars dipping his hand between Lisa Lisa's legs while he bit her neck and she grabbed a fistful of his hair and dug her nails into his back. 

It was well worth the wait, Kars thought, as he was already hard, not that Lisa Lisa needed reminding, as she felt his cock poking her thigh almost immediately. Lisa Lisa was never especially loud, but a few small moans made their way from her lips as Kars slid his fingers into her, pumping them in and out for a while until he switched to rubbing the sensitive nub just above her slit in a motion that suggested he had a lot of practice with doing so. 

When it was almost too much for him to take, Kars broke contact with her neck, surprised but not disappointed when she used the brief window of opportunity she had to flip him on his back, straddling him without wasting a moment. 

"I take it you like to be on top." Kars guessed, enjoying the view he got of her round, perky breasts. 

"I like to be in control mostly. But I like being on top too." 

Kars didn't bother to suppress the amused laugh he made, resting a hand on the small of her back. "What a coincidence, I happen to feel the same way, but I suppose it wouldn't hurt to oblige you for a little while. 

Lisa Lisa gasped a little when Kars grabbed both her wrists, though that was mostly because she felt his cock poking against her butt. "I wouldn't have guessed otherwise." she replied. "But you're not exactly lacking physical endowments, so you'll have to prepare me more first." 

"Don't worry, I know how to get what I want." Kars let go of her wrists for a moment to brush some of his hair out of his face, giving Lisa Lisa the chance to move up a little so she was no longer sitting near his legs. "And you'll get what you want too." 

"Oh, I plan on it." she told him as he guided her closer before smothering his face with her thighs. 

Kars was nothing if not talented, and he moved his tongue in all the rights ways at just the right time, drawing upon the vast level of experience he had to coax all sorts of interesting noises out of Lisa Lisa, humming a little while his face was trapped between her thighs, his hands gripping either side of her waist as if his life depended on it. 

"What the hell was that?" Lisa Lisa asked him after she pushed him off, the familiar feeling of wetness between her legs telling her what happened even if her brain missed it. One moment, she was sitting on him, feeling his tongue inside her as he ate her out, the next moment there was a flash of lightning behind her eyes and there she was again, her surroundings just the same as before. 

"I knew you'd enjoy it." he replied, his voice more smug than usual, even for him. "I told you, I haven't lived as long as I have for nothing." 

Lisa Lisa couldn't help but squirm under his weight when Kars pinned her under him, eyeing her body with obvious lust. "You look quite lovely from any angle." he started. "But you look positively irresistible like this." 

"I'd say the same is true for you, but I doubt you need the ego boost." 

Kars let out a small laugh, nudging her legs apart before entering her. "I'll choose to take that as a compliment." 

The stretch was a bit painful at first, which was to be expected, Lisa Lisa told herself. It had been a while, after all, and Kars was undoubtedly well-endowed by any standards. When the pain disappeared, it was better than anything, better than words could do justice, and Lisa Lisa grabbed his thick violet hair while he thrust into her with a low grunt, a drop of blood trailing down his lip after he bit his tongue by accident. 

She was just too warm and tight, and her oh-so-irresistable curves were quite a sight to drink in, Kars thought as he grabbed her waist, fucking her hard and fast. No point in being gentle with this one, she was more than able to handle it, after all. A woman with a body and strength like hers was a gift he rarely got to enjoy, after all, and so he resolved to enjoy it as much as possible, and make sure she did too. 

For a moment, Lisa Lisa's grip faltered, Kars fucking her too fast for her to hold still, but she gripped on again with one hand, letting the other grasp his forearm. He was so muscled and well-built, he put the finest Greek statues to shame, his body free of any imperfections and his long, soft hair more beautiful than any she had ever seen. For a moment, Kars slowed down to pull her closer to him, otherwise maintaining the same brutal pace as before, slamming into her hard enough that she saw stars. Though her breasts moved a little, Lisa Lisa hardly noticed, which, of course, didn't stop Kars from grabbing onto one of them, enjoying the way it felt in his hand. 

"You look lovely like that-spread out like a perfect feast." Kars grunted, thrusting just hard enough that adding any more force would have been too much. "Truly a stunning sight." 

After throwing Lisa Lisa's legs over his shoulder, his eyes widened for a moment when Lisa Lisa grabbed his hand, nipping on one of his fingers. God, this woman drove him wild, he thought, slamming into her harder and faster, grunting in a low voice as he felt himself get closer. 

"Don't-don't stop now-" Lisa Lisa breathed, moving her legs to wrap around his waist when Kars pulled almost all the way out, preparing to thrust into her again. "You can do better than that." 

Kars, never one to deny a request like that from someone so fascinating, obliged, giving her a wicked smirk as he gripped her legs again, returning to the same pace as before. 

"Nnnhh-fuck, I'm-" Kars bit back a groan while he tried to speak. "I'm-" 

One moment, Lisa Lisa looked up at Kars, relishing the wild, frenzied look on his face, the next, she found herself staring at the ceiling, moaning without opening her mouth all the way when Kars finished, filling her with white-hot heat as he came undone, closing his eyes for the first time since they started. 

"Well, what do you think? Ready to make a little visit to the alien registration center?" Lisa Lisa asked him after draping a blanket over herself, wiping her forehead with the back of her hand while she stared up at Kars, who was sitting on the couch, his head thrown back and his legs propped up on the nearby coffee table, both of them still panting and sweaty from the exertion. 

"I don't know, maybe we should go another round. I have a lot more tricks up my sleeve and it would be a shame if I didn't get to show you." Kars told her, rubbing her leg under the blanket.

Lisa Lisa huffed, giving him a look. "How about we save that for after you get registered? I imagine I'll have more time then to find out about it then." 

"Deal." 


End file.
